Of the rest of my happy life. :) Isn't that a nice thing to hear? I happen to think so. Do you want to know another nice thing to hear? I had the most wonderful walk through the dog park with Eddie and Ryan this weekend, and as we were walking through this one particularly shady and chilly part of the forest, I looked ahead to all of the multi-coloured trees ahead, and their fallen leaves, and I smiled. It was such a beautiful and enjoyable walk. I think we're going to do it again next weekend! So I started with "Today is the beginning, right?" Well that's because other than memories, the past is just the past. The present is what matters. :) And right now, I am quite content. Everything is not perfect, but I am content. By the way... I know it has been a very long time since I first left this community, but I am here now, in the present, and Im pretty sure that is what matters. :) I bought The Secret by Rhonda Byrne today at Coles' and started reading when I got home. And then I meditated. Now I just feel great. :) Tiffany

I came to zaadz in March this year, curious because of an ad in yogajournal. It was pure curiosity as to what the ad was about. When I got here, I found what I didn't know I was looking for. A group of individuals so sincere and genuine that they ceased to be individuals, but were in fact a unified group of loving go-getters and free-thinkers just looking for fresh meat to send love and joy to. Since then, I have had a break or two from zaadz, and the computer in general and each time I come back looking for a supportive base from which I gather strength, wisdom and joy. I haven't been disappointed yet.

Okay, so here I am. It's almost that holiday that I don't believe in, but celebrate with my family anyways, almost a new year (and with a new year comes re-visited goals) and I'm surprised I've made it to nearly the end of the year. Why- you ask? Well because I am the most stubborn person I know.

What's my little secret? I'm working a job I hate because of the money. I've been sick twice in the last two months because I am pretty sure I do not actually have an immune system anymore. I've spent more time this week crying than I have speaking to my family and I am too damn stubborn to quit the job that is killing me.

There, I said it.

Now, there are a couple of catches. I'm not buying things with my money really. The money I'm spending working nights is going towards buying meals for my boyfriend and I, presents for people and occasionally chocolate. The rest of the money I'm making goes straight into my saving account for school.

Despite stubbornness being one of my worst characteristics to get past, it is kind of helping me, and yes- I can realize it in a way. I'm not completely complaining about the above sickness, unhappiness and over all blahness. It is actually the same stubbornness that wont let me quit my stupid job thats keeping me from spending all my money on stupid things, giving up on my future, and letting myself become complete depressed.

Which brings me to today. It's 5 in the morning, I'm drinking tea an eating an orange, my tonsils aren't nearly as swollen as they were two days ago, I spent about an hour working out this morning, I cleaned my room and I feel great about myself for the first time in a while.
Why? Well because I've been hating myself for being so stubborn and letting myself get sick and unhappy, and the fact is, I've been a fool. I can't hate and try and change characteristics about myself that I don't like. But I can use them, harness them and let them make me stronger.

There's a quote that was said a lot when I was playing basketball in high school that went "You're only as strong as your weakest player," which can really be adapted to say "You're only as strong as your weakest trait." Which is a line I've spent some time thinking about in the past. Well today it applies quite literally. My weakest trait may actually be my strongest trait. I'm stubborn. It's the reason I got sick, it's the reason I have a nice chunk of money in the bank, waiting to educate me, and it's the reason that I wont give up on myself.

Which brings me back to the tea and the fruit and the working out. :) I've been thinking about the new year, and what resolutions mean to me. One thing that has gone along with my thinking is about my job. A couple of months ago, when I was ready to quit my job, but didn't have the kick to do it, one of my friends suggested that I make it my new years resolution to find a job I liked better. I like the idea at the time, but as it seems, I'm tied to this job. It's a character flaw.

I know there is a lot of negativity in new years resolutions, especially in the media (however, I like to think not so much on zaadz.) I know I've made resolutions about my weight, etc. before, but I dont think that's the way I'll be looking at 2008. (Or I like to think, at least.) I dont know how my goals have morphed exactly from last year, and Im not done thinking about it, however, I do know that instead of finding the negative in my character as in previous years, I'm trying to look a little on the bright side. 

The only way to tame the wilderness is to remove the wild. But then it is not wildneress at all.  You can not tame wild. You must harness it.

I cannot hate myself for being stubborn. I have willpower for a reason, I shall find that reason. :)

Yes. Everyday I do a little extra work before I leave at the end of my shift so that the person replacing me can start their day off relaxed and not stressed.

Also, I call the man I love. We talk every night regardless, but I make sure I'm the one who calls him first. He will call me, but he tends to wait until a certain time before he will let himself ring me up. Well, cause I know he loves that I put effort into getting a hold of him and he loves the security of knowing I will call him, I do it. If he is going to call me at 7, I ring him up 3 minutes before seven, and when he answers the phone I can hear him smile when he says hello and tells me he was just going to call me.

It's as much for myself as it is for him.

This month I have a lot of planning and goal-setting to do. I have a year before until I feel I should be some place else, and this month I have to sit down and ask myself whether I'm actually going to get there, or whether I'm going to let my life slip by.

There's a college program that I really want to get into for next fall, but it's not going to be easy, because the course is very physically demanding. Even getting in requires that I be tested of my physical abilities. And, in order to make myself stronger physically I need to do so mentally.

I have financial planning to do, because not only do I have to pay an expensive tuition, but I have to buy a couple thousand dollars worth of equipment. I just started a new job, and though it is somewhat more difficult than I thought it would be I have to stick it out and prove to myself and my boss that I can do it. Plus, this job is my first full time job, and it is an excellent opportunity for me to bring in a fair amount of money for college.  However, I've always been bad at saving money, so I have some planning to do. I don't want my financial status to hinder my ability to spread my wings, so I need to start saving.

I would also like to de-clutter a fair bit this month, and possibly have a yard sale. I would like to start writing more, as I just began writing again today after quite a period of inactivity. 

And last but not least, I would like to enjoy the summer a bit, despite that my job doesn't allow for it very much.  I want to go to the beach, I've only been once this summer.

Not the first pair of shoes I remember owning, or wearing, but the first pair of shoes I remember are my grandpa's klompen (wooden shoes). He didn't actually wear them, but my grandparents used them as doorstops. I remember them because they were so foreign to me. I didn't understand shoes made of wood. I always wanted my oma and opa to bring me a pair from Holland when they went.

I just started my 30 hours famine fast. Last year I participated, but didn't really take the message or purpose of the fast to heart. Today I am really thinking about those people I am fasting and raising money for. I had a yogurt cup this morning, and I was about to bring it to the computer, when I really realized that people don't much appreciate food. We take it for granted. I went back into the kitchen , sat down and tasted every bite of the cup. We may not realize how much we take the pleasure of food for granted. Even when we eat a good meal- cooked by someone else at a restaurant or by a family member we may not appreciate it. And, more so than food, I think we don't appreciate water. The ability- at school to walk up to a sink and wash your hands or face- to walk up to a fountain and drink clean water for free. I think we really take the ability to have clean water for granted. What would happen, do you think if we all stopped- and thought about someone who didn't have food when we ate something, or stopped, and thought about someone who would die of HIV/ AIDS before we laughed about the disease. What would happen if EVERY time we went to take a drink of plain-old-water we stopped and thought about people who may never have the ability to drink clean water in their lives.

The campaign for the 30 Hour Faminethis year is  different foods- or substitutes for foods that those in poorer countries have in their diets. They include "bark chips", "Sewer springs water", "Mud java", and "clay cookies". I'm going to try to be as open minded today about the fast and think about someone eating or drinking one of the above listed diet supplements when I eat or drink.

I was glad to be able to not only participate in the 30 hours famine this year, but help organize it at my school. Due to some difficulties with being near the end of the year and other activities, we will not be sleeping at the school today, but we will be going home and continuing our fasts at home. I'm afraid that people will cheat because I know people will. People have confessed to me that they have cheated in previous years, having the ability to go home for a mere 2 hours. Lets pray for those people.

Wish me luck, and if you feel at all inspired to- donate 5 dollars (your lunch money) to those who may not have a good, nutritious meal today, tomorrow or ever.

Namaste
Tiffany

I'm really frustrated right now. I'm trying to deal with it, and I'm trying to do things about it, and I'm trying not to be immature, but I am very frustrated.

I'm confused too. I've been reading so much about Eastern phiolosphy and so on about universal love, but you really only ever have yourself. You can't count on your friends (I'm sure there's an acception), and you can't count on teh human race. You can develop yourself though, and more than anything else you can count on yourself. Or maybe that's just how I was taught; to be independent.

I'm trying to tell my mom that I want to move- that I was to get out, and I think she's trying to hold me back. I want to experience a different setting for a while, a different life. I don't think people understand that though. It's just getting under my skin. I'm here on zaadz, meeting people who see life and live life in a different way than I've ever known and yet it's like I keep getting told that I can't do it.  

I also feel like I've been bastardized by the school system. 4 Years ago I had it all. Honours, phys ed awards, all sorts of achievement awards. Now it feels like I've been robbed of my ambition. What do I believe in now? What do I care about? I take the easy road now. I know that it's my doing. I know that if I tried more I would have more. That really frustrates me. I'm not athletic, I'm not pulling straight grades, like I know I could be. It's like all my ambition and aspirations fizzled out.

I feel like I have nothing to fall back on. I am a blank canvas. What have I gotten out of high school? I know you get what you take, what you ask for, and I feel worthless because I wasnt smart enough to take what I needed. I wasn't embitious enough to jump on what I wanted.


My philosophy lately, or my mindset has been very curious. I have a life to live. Love the life you live. Has been my motto. I have these things I love, but it feels like I cant do them, or i can only do them a certainw ay. That's what it feels like I've been told. "Just do what you love." Has turned into "slowly move your life away from something you dont love into something you love, but dont essentially change anything." What is the point of life? I want to break these boundaries. I want to get up and go, and make my way, but I keep beign told that I cant do it like that. I can live an advneturous life, but only if I do it in a non-adventurist way. Is this the way the world works? Am I being childish? Are these the rules I have to abide by? I keep telling people I feel so bound, and it's like they're telling me that's teh way life is. Does everyone feel this way? If so, why aren't suicide rate higher? What's the point of living a mediocre life? Where are the people who understand me?

The open window
Streetlights, darkness, a light breeze
The moon is rising.

T. Reed

My message is a poem I wrote a while back- and that was the purpose of the poem. It is my advice to the world. Happiness, laughter, no worries, no fear and bliss.

Bliss

Dance with fireflies
across a moon-lit sky
walk in ballerina slippers
upon a new bird's cry

prance with tender feet

Fall like a leaf
gracing the autumn breeze
and spin like a merry-go-round
on a summer night's eve

Round and round
to the song of the fair
as the mid-summer's rays
sleep on your hair

sprinkled with sun

Shine like a star
that refuses to fall
twinkle, twinkle
beautiful porcelain doll

with skin as pure as rain

Reach and touch the sky
with a candy covered hand
dream with a heart of
the finest sand

and believe that it's real

Sing off the lips
of a mother's soft tune
to the ears of an enfant
that falls alseep soon

soft and gentil on the wind

Melt off of popsickle sticks
and loiter into a mess
that lays in happy pools on the
sun-soaked cement

you can clean it up later

Hang off the edge
a cliff that always sees
a coast quilted in foil
with memories like the winter breeze

that soaks through your mittens
anyways

Watch with eyes of the angel's breath
that's warm and smells of sea
and love with the sincerity
of a child's voice
that's soft and filled with glee

warm whispers of 'I love you' upon your neck

Grow with the wisdom
of a thousand unlived years
and cry with droplets
of whole-hearted tears

and never quite grow up

Live with knowledge
of something you don't know
a secret lost in laughter
yours to bestow

a lifelong goal